A Clear Path
by cojack
Summary: A/TP. T'Pol opens up to Archer after the events of the fourth season episode "Terra Prime" and why she's changing the parameters of her relationship with Trip.


DISCLAIMER: It's Paramount's galaxy.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: A/TP. T'Pol opens up to Archer after the events of the fourth season episode "Terra Prime" and why she's changing the parameters of her relationship with Trip.

T'Pol went through a lot during the later seasons of Enterprise – drug addiction, a marriage and annulment, a turbulent interspecies relationship, the death of a child... We know that in the intervening six years between the final two episodes, T'Pol and Trip stayed friends, but nothing more. I'd like to think T'Pol also gets some measure of peace. This short vignette attempts to explain her reasoning a bit as to why she stopped her relationship with Trip.

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A CLEAR PATH

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 _They all failed._

T'Pol paused and tried again.

 _What they are doing is dangerous._

T'Pol concentrated on the flame in front of her, but the words she once told Captain Archer echoed in her head. Years ago when they were just beginning their survey of the Arachnid Nebula, _Enterprise_ encountered a group of Vulcans aboard the _Vahklas_. She had called them V'tosh ka'tur, or Vulcans without logic, although that wasn't entirely accurate. They hadn't abandoned logic, but were simply trying to exist without the need to continually repress their emotions. Attempting to find a balance between the two.

 _That's not possible._

She heard the echo of her younger self again. She had been skeptical then, and now... It was a sobering reminder. Centuries of Vulcan teaching instituted during the Age of Awakening and continued to the present day, even with the discovery of the Kir'Shara and the resulting reawakening to Surak's original teachings. And yet, all her logic hadn't stopped her from attempting the same folly on her own. A balance between logic and emotion different than that guided by Surak's hand. Changing her very nature, to the point where she even experimented with Trellium-D and became addicted to the substance.

T'Pol sighed heavily and again refocused on the flame. It flicked and guttered, as if restless on the wick. She sat cross-legged in front of it in her loose fitting sleeping garment, as she had done countess times before, but her mind was turbulent and her path forward unclear. The past week had been overwhelming and it was hard to concentrate. As she began her mediation regiment yet again, the door chime sounded. She was almost thankful for the interruption. "Come in," she stated, looking up to the door.

The door slid open and Captain Archer was standing at the threshold. He was still in his uniform, possibly heading back to his own quarters. He seemed hesitant. "Is this a bad time?"

How many times had he asked the same question over the past several years? Her evening meditation interrupted, and yet she always gave the same response. "Not at all." It was comforting in its routine. She gestured to a spot on the floor across from her. Typically the Captain would remain standing and the interchange would be brief, although occasionally their interaction was lengthier and he would sit. This time he decided to sit. It wasn't too difficult to understand why. The last week had been eventful.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He had struggled only briefly to cross his legs and now mirrored her position on the other side of the flame, more or less.

By it, he could mean any number of things. The prospects for the negotiations regarding the Coalition of Planets, or the anti-alien sentiments that still pervaded Earth? Unlikely, since the tone of his question indicated this to be more personal. Although Paxton's rhetoric still fueled protesters misguided by half-truths and lies, the negotiations were back on track. It would likely take years, however, and _Enterprise_ was again out amongst the stars. Her relationship with Trip? She had been distancing herself from him this past week, and since Jonathan and Trip were close friends, it was likely he was well aware of Trip's frustration. Trip didn't understand, and likely never would. There was also the death of her daughter. True, Elizabeth was a creation from the mixing of her DNA with that of Commander Tucker's and not her natural child, but the loss was felt just as acutely. The service for their daughter, attended by the delegates to the conference, had been moving. The implication to all those gathered had been a connection existed between the Commander and herself, and yet… the mating-bond that once existed between the two of them was now nearly absent. More than once, Commander Tucker had expressed his displeasure over the bond, and she had grown ambivalent to it as well. Whether its weakening was the result of the Trellium finally leaving her system or something else entirely, she didn't know. She felt… uncertain of her desires. The logical and clear course was clouded.

"T'Pol?"

As her friend, and as her Captain, it was likely that Jonathan was referring to these latter subjects. "I'm uncertain what there is to say," she finally responded.

Archer frowned, and then rubbed his hand over his mouth and chin. The two of them had developed a rapport in their four years serving together, and he wasn't going to let it go. He seemed slightly uncomfortable, and uncrossed one of his legs slightly. "You know what I'm talking about. You've been… more isolated the past few days. From your friends."

From Trip… although he didn't add that. "I admit I have been mediating more, but I _have_ been attending to all my duties sir."

Archer nodded and smiled faintly, leaning back onto one of his hands to perhaps find a more comfortable position. She really needed to instruct him on the proper position for meditating. "Of course, I'm not implying otherwise. It's just that. I think it would be a good idea to talk with someone. To talk through your… impressions of all that's happened."

Significantly, he hadn't said emotions. He knew she had them, of course, but he was fully cognizant of her internal struggles. In fact, he was well aware of all the issues she had battled since the Expanse. As First Officer, to hide anything from the Captain would be foolish, and perhaps even dangerous. It was something she appreciated about Jonathan. He accepted her as is. No need to act more human or less Vulcan. She suspected he was referring to the need to talk to someone else. Commander Tucker, to be precise, but she wasn't ready for that quite yet. She closed her eyes. Perhaps, however, he was right and she did need to talk to someone. Just be honest.

"Do you recall our encounter with Captain Tavin and his crew?"

It took just a moment for Jonathan to remember. He nodded, but a cloud also passed over his expression. He shifted his weight to the other side. "Not too fondly, I'm afraid." He was obviously recalling her regrettable encounter with Tolaris. The forced mind-meld and the ensuing repercussions. Fortunately, T'Pau had been able to repair that damage.

"At the time," T'Pol continued, "I attempted to convince you of the danger for Vulcans in reintegrating their emotions."

Jonathan shook his head. "I spent weeks regretting pushing you into spending more time with them."

"As I said at the time as well, you did not order me to spend time with them nor were you responsible for Tolaris' behavior. I simply bring up the circumstance to illuminate my… feelings now." She purposely used the more accurate appellation. Jonathan nodded and waited for T'Pol to continue. She glanced idly at the flame between them. "I have not been as regular with my meditation these past few months. My dreams, my emotions, have been troubled, but I thought manageable."

"But not anymore."

T'Pol nodded.

"I think I understand your reference now. In your own way, you've been attempting to accomplish something very similar to the V'tosh ka'tur. Finding a balance between logic and your emotions. You're beginning to wonder if your objections back then apply to you now as well."

T'Pol nodded again. Jonathan was perceptive. She heard her own words echo in her mind once again. _They all failed. What they are doing is dangerous._

Jonathan seemed at a loss for something to say. What could he say? "Are you certain…" he began, but whatever question he had in mind never materialized.

"The fact is, if I try to sustain an intimate relationship with Commander Tucker, I am fighting against my very nature. A Vulcan way of behavior and logic forged over the past two millennia."

"Vulcans have relationships and romance."

"Not as casually as humans do," T'Pol countered. "Vulcan romance, as you say, is typically restricted to marriage, or the period before marriage with your intended mate. If I desired to continue my relationship with Commander Tucker and be true to my Vulcan nature, the logical culmination would be a bond in marriage and a mating for life." She looked away. Not exactly something she intended to divulge to Jonathan, but she was pleased in a way that it wasn't accompanied by an emotion of embarrassment. It simply just was. In fact, if she experienced any emotion at all, it was one of relief. "That is something I do not desire."

Jonathan sat still for a long moment. Not judging, but obviously thinking. "I don't think Trip is ready to get married either," he finally mused.

"I of course do not want to lose his friendship, but to reinitiate intimacy and encourage him to that conclusion is dishonest," T'Pol said. "And dangerous if I continue to deny my Vulcan identity. Of who I am."

"You are not Tolaris," Jonathan chided.

"I am not. Nor do I wish to be by continuing to experiment with emotions that could overwhelm me and consume me. I am Vulcan, not human. I must suppress my emotions."

"But you have emotions none the less."

"Of course I have. Closer to the surface than many Vulcans, or so my mother said. It does not change the fact that I am still Vulcan. I cannot change who I am."

"Nor do I want you to." Jonathan leaned back slightly. "This is something you should be telling Trip, not me."

"I know." T'Pol frowned. And yet, it was so much easier talking to Jonathan than it was to any other human. Or Vulcan, for that matter, since her living amongst humans for so long had alienated many of her own kind as well. If she were to one day choose a prospective mate, someone compatible with her, who she would want to share herself completely with, the choice was obvious. For now, however, she was content to simply be his First Officer.

Jonathan sat back up fully and prepared to stand. "I better be going and let you meditate." He perhaps realized she had divulged the crux of her dilemma and what she needed most was the peace realized through meditation. Something she had been lacking.

"Jon, a moment," T'Pol interrupted.

He stopped and looked surprised. She rarely used his given name, and was surprised herself at the slip. She refocused her thoughts as he resettled himself back across from her. There was something more that needed to be said. If she was to be true to herself, there needed to be complete honesty between them.

"There was a time, when we were on Coridan, when you said the Vulcans had taken away something from your father that meant a lot to him, and you weren't about to let them do the same to you."

Jonathan smiled. "The hell I was going to let them take away the best First Officer in Starfleet. Then and now."

"I want you to know, the sentiment in reciprocal. My intention is to remain on _Enterprise_ for the duration of this mission as your First Officer. I will not do anything to jeopardize that."

Jonathan narrowed his eyes. Did he understand the implications of her confession? She couldn't very well admit her feelings, even to herself fully, and yet wanted this man to know her deepest desire was to remain close to him. His hazel eyes held a multitude of emotions, many of which T'Pol couldn't possibly interpret or perhaps understand. What she could see was that he seemed pleased with what she had just said. A certain contentment. "I appreciate that," he said. He stood slowly and then moved to the door. When he reached it, he turned back to face T'Pol. We make a good team, you and I."

"I concur."

He nodded and pushed the button to open the door. He hesitated a moment, then stepped out and turned back around again. There were a multitude of new questions undoubtedly turning in his head, although those would wait for another time. There would be time enough later. "See you in the morning Commander."

"Of course Captain."

After the door slid back shut, she returned her attention to the candle. The flame burned steadily, illuminating the small area in front of her. The wax melting and vaporizing, and then combining with oxygen in the atmosphere to ignite and form the tongue of fire. The generated heat melting more wax and thus sustaining the process. The turbulent thoughts from before were gone and she felt a calmness about her. A steady burning, like the flame, her mind finally at ease.

Her path forward was now clear.

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THE END

Author's Note: Any suggestions you could give me regarding A/TP-friendly stories that stay true to the canon universe (including the much maligned last episode) would be great. There are five relatively recent stories by Laura Schiller that are among my favorites. Just discovered some by chocolatequeen as well. Thanks! Oh, and please leave a review. They are always greatly appreciated. Isn't it amazing we're still writing fan fiction for shows that aired so long ago?


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